Uncomfortable Truths Your Enemies Already Know About Your Psyche
Infiltrators and manipulators study their target--that's you--and they understand why you do what you do...even if you don't.
I recently wrote about shame as a fulcrum for blackmail, and readers reached out via email to ask about more subtle methods of manipulation, as well as some practical tools for preventing it. As promised, here you go.
The most effective manipulators don’t just use secrets as leverage—they use you against yourself. If I can leverage your need for validation and your need to avoid shame, I don’t need threats, blackmail, or anything else. What’s more, I can predict and even guide your behavior while maintaining some sort of trust-based relationship. You’d never know it was happening—and even if you figure it out, if the manipulator is really good, you will still feel compelled to act in the way you are being guided.
This isn’t just about high-level espionage or state actors. It happens in everyday life, in movements, workplaces, and personal relationships. In fact, an infiltrator isn’t doing something wild and secret; they’re literally just using your own brain and needs against you.
Leverage Isn’t About What You Do—It’s About What You Need
Most people think of leverage in terms of secrets—affairs, criminal activity, hidden addictions. But real leverage isn’t about what you’ve done; it’s about what you need to believe about yourself and what you can’t afford to lose.
This is where the validation/shame dynamic comes in. Validation and shame are two sides of the same coin. The thing that gives you validation is also the thing that can be used to manipulate you. If you aren’t getting validation, there’s likely a tie-in to shame somewhere.
Remember before we go further: seeking validation isn’t inherently bad—depending on it for self-worth is what creates vulnerability.
Imagine a scale that is constantly having things put on or taken off each side in a very delicate balance. If the shame side gets too low, it serves as behavioral pressure. Without even realizing it, you’ll act in a way that allows you to put more weight on the validation side and restores the balance of the scale, because until it’s balanced you feel gross and worthless. Let me show you how this works in real life.
Jack is a high-achieving professional who ties his self-worth to his career. When he succeeds, his internal scale balances. Any shame he feels is largely offset by his career achievements. But when he experiences a failure—a missed promotion, a project falling apart—the scale tips into shame, and suddenly the only thing that matters to Jack is getting the internal scale balanced. He may overwork, seek external validation, or even consider taking unethical shortcuts. If the imbalance is bad enough, Jack’s ethics and even his character may take a back seat—at least until the balance is restored.
A manipulator who recognizes this pattern could subtly push him toward self-sabotage or compliance by controlling the weight added to either side of the scale. As long as you keep a certain amount of tension between validation and shame, you can control the behavior by guiding it. Not only do you not need to command them, but they don’t even know they’re being guided because their own brain is telling them what to do next.
Now let’s look at the same concept in an activism group context.
John is an activist whose identity is deeply tied to being seen as absolutely all in for the cause of liberty. His internal scale stays balanced as long as he is true to his belief system and his character. The problem isn’t what he believes about politics; it’s what he believes about himself, and even more specifically, what he needs to believe.
To push John into a place where he is controllable, the infiltrator (whom for the purpose of this article we’ll call Frank) can subtly introduce doubt—perhaps implying John isn’t “doing enough” or pointing out that he doesn’t have enough action currency, while offering to help him get more.
[I’ve written about action currency before in detail; my paid subcribers get access to several years’ worth of past articles, including more detailed info on infiltration].
This is done over time, while establishing a certain amount of trust. Frank wants John to put him on the list of “People Whose Opinion About Me Matters.” We all have that list in our heads, and it usually involves people we don’t realize are on there. For a political action group—especially those based on action currency—it involves a LOT of people.
Even if Frank doesn’t quite get on the opinion list, he can still work his magic by inserting the people who ARE, and insinuating that THEY believe certain things about John. Frank just needs to be planting these doubts at key moments, steering John toward reckless actions that discredit himself, cause dissention in the group, or fractures it completely.
Frank can even get bonus points if whatever he subtly influences John to do ends up becoming a national news story, because now instead of just trashing the group and putting John on the hook, Frank has now affected an entire movement AND the public’s perception of it—which is a critical part of the overall equation.
That’s how it works. Now let’s look at the nitty-gritty of why.
How Your Validation Vehicle Betrays You
Every person has a specific vehicle they use to feel valuable. It could be:
Career and professional status
Activism and moral righteousness
Family and relationships
Financial success and power
Sexual appeal and desirability
Just about anything. After all, it’s yours. No two people’s are exactly alike.
Now, here’s the uncomfortable part, and I’m going to use bigger letters because it is literally the most important piece of this entire article.
Whatever you use to validate yourself is also where you are most vulnerable to manipulation.
Why? Because your shame is tied to that very same thing.
If you find your worth in your ability to provide for your family, then financial struggles will crush you—and someone who can "fix" that problem gains power over you.
If your self-worth is tied to being seen as strong and capable, you’ll be easily manipulated by challenges to your toughness.
If your identity is wrapped in being a righteous activist, then being falsely accused of hypocrisy, cowardice, or being an infiltrator yourself can push you into reckless decisions to prove yourself.
A good infiltrator doesn’t have to break you—they just have to control what you fear losing the most. That means finding out where you get your value.
How Manipulators Exploit This Weakness
A skilled manipulator figures out where you get your validation, then does two things, very carefully and over time:
Makes you feel like it is being threatened – Making you fear that you’ll be exposed, excluded, or stripped of what gives you worth.
Becomes a source of it – Giving you the validation you crave so that you begin to depend on them for it.
Either way, once they control that fulcrum, they control you. And keep in mind that it’s not an overt threat.
How to Identify and Dismantle Your Weak Spots
If you want to be truly resistant to manipulation, you have to remove your weak spots. And this section is going to be pretty blunt; if you’ve made it this far, it’s because you recognize a problem and are looking for actionable ways to fix it. Here’s how:
Find Your Validation Vehicle
Ask yourself: What gives me the deepest sense of worth?
What would absolutely break me if it were taken away?
Where do I get defensive when criticized?
Uncover the Shame Attached to It
Where did my belief about this come from? Was it taught to me, or did I choose it?
What am I afraid people will find out?
What am I willing to compromise on just to keep my sense of worth intact?
Separate Identity from External Validation
Your career is what you do, not who you are.
Your relationships add to your life, but they do not define your value.
Your morality should be based on principle, not proving something to others.
Learn to Withstand Shame
If someone calls you weak, unworthy, or hypocritical, do you feel compelled to prove them wrong?
If so, ask: Why? What about that accusation threatens your self-worth?
Train yourself to detach from emotional reactions. Shame only has power if you let it.
Learn the different between guilt (“I did something bad and I can learn from it”) and shame (“I have a secret; I am bad; I need to hide these things about me, etc.”)
The Final Takeaway: True Freedom Comes from Internal Validation
If your self-worth is built on external factors, then someone else controls it. The only way to be immune is to derive your value from something unshakable.