The Real Mechanics of Leverage and Control
How you can be leveraged--even without a secret.
The NSA sex chat scandal from last month raised a bit of controversy over whether intelligence community members should have been fired for engaging in explicit conversations on government time. Some argued that these actions, while unprofessional, shouldn't cost them their security clearances—after all, they were (to paraphrase the counter-position) ‘just talking about their experiences as marginalized LGBTQ+ people.’ But the real issue isn’t about workplace conduct—it’s about leverage.
One extremely effective form of leverage taps into the validation/shame dynamic. We all need validation, and we all want to avoid shame. When you’re leveraging someone with the validation/shame dynamic, you're not leveraging their actions against them; you're leveraging their need for validation through shame. You can either use the shame they already have, or in some cases you can create it. We will look at both.
One of the most common leverage areas is sexual behavior, simply because most people have some sort of shame attached to sexuality. That’s not a popular thing to say, but it’s true. Even if you think you’re one of the few who has zero shame in that arena, think again. There’s still a way to leverage you.
Scenario 1: The Classic Secret
We all understand how secrets create leverage. Let’s say my target has a high-level security clearance, a wife, and kids—but secretly engages with gay bathhouses or prostitutes. The fulcrum of leverage here is not what they do, but their desperation to keep it hidden. Their public image and self-worth are built on a facade that their actions contradict. It’s not about what I personally think about their behavior, because it’s not about their behavior at all—it’s about what THEY think about being found out.
This principle applies broadly: a pro-life activist who secretly had an abortion, a pastor addicted to porn—any case where there is a gap between the public persona and the private reality creates vulnerability. The greater the gap, the deeper the shame, and therefore the stronger the leverage.
Scenario 2: No Apparent Shame—But Still Leverageable
Some believe that if they’re open about their sexuality it removes the leverage point. After all, they reason, ‘it’s impossible to leverage me on something that everyone already knows about, right?’
Wrong.
Shame and validation aren’t just about secrecy; they are about where the person derives their sense of worth. In this case, it’s still going to be tangentially related to the sexual conduct, even though they’re open about it. Here’s how you find the pressure points:
Health Status: Do they have STDs? Are they HIV-positive and dependent on medication? Anything that ties their security to an external factor is a vulnerability.
Emotional Attachments: Are they involved with others who can be leveraged? Attacking relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be devastating.
Pornography Preferences: Sexual compulsivity can lead to viewing material far outside of someone’s public comfort zone. A pastor watching extreme content, for example, is an easy target.
Given enough time, I could generate an entire list of potential weak spots. The key is recognizing that leverage exists wherever someone has externalized their sense of self-worth, even if they seem to be immune to leverage up front.
Scenario 3: When Sexuality Is the Identity
This is the most interesting scenario because it applies to anyone—not just those with a sexual secret. When someone’s identity is tied to their sexuality (or any other external factor), they become highly leverageable. It’s not about their sexual behavior; it’s about the fact that attacking it feels like an attack on their personhood. The more someone’s self-worth is tied to an external object, the easier it is to control them.
This applies far beyond sex. Consider these external validation objects:
Family: What happens when there’s a falling out or a sudden loss?
Money: A person’s ability to provide can be wiped out overnight by job loss or financial hardship.
Beauty/Youth: Celebrities and influencers who stake their identity on appearance spiral when they age.
Public Image: This brings us back to the first scenario—when reality contradicts the facade, shame becomes a weapon.
All of these have one thing in common: if your worth is determined by something external, someone else can take it from you. If I attack or threaten to destroy it, I control you.
Who Is Immune to Leverage?
Not everyone is susceptible. These tactics are ineffective against people who:
Have done the emotional work to heal from past trauma.
Live transparently and authentically, minimizing discrepancies between public and private selves.
Derive their self-worth from internal values rather than external validation.
Believe in immutable personal value, recognizing that worth is not conditional on external factors.
TL;DR: How to Make Yourself Less Leverageable
Heal unresolved trauma to reduce emotional weak spots.
Identify your validation objects—what do you fear losing most? If you don’t control it, someone else can.
Minimize the gap between your public and private self to limit potential shame points.
Build internal self-worth rather than relying on external validation.
The less leverageable you are, the more you will see who is. Understanding this dynamic gives you power—both to defend yourself and recognize those who can be controlled.