Motivation Part 3: Guarding Against Leverage
Making sure your own needs aren't making you vulnerable.
In the last issue we discussed how to use your group members’ need for validation in a positive way, to get their buy-in and WIIFM (what’s in it for me) answered.
The flip side of this is the knowledge that others are trying to do exactly the same thing—find a way to leverage you and your people. They’ll use many of the same tactics as well, but their goal is to disrupt, derail, and even destroy. How can you possibly guard against it or stop it if you catch it happening?
Understand your own key.
I mentioned earlier how your need for validation—and how that need manifests in you personally—is the key, so to speak, of why you do what you do. The first logical task in guarding against someone else trying to use your key is for you to know what and where it is yourself.
The problem with this exercise is that our need is so strong that we can and do engage in less than awesome conduct at times to get it met. Sometimes it’s out of pure arrogance, sometimes it’s desperation, but we all have those moments.
That means we all have done things in our lives that we aren’t proud of in order to get what we crave. As a result, digging into yourself to identify your key means looking at some of the things you’ve done that you’d rather not ever remember.
Go back and think about times when you acted less than honorably. Ask yourself “why?” to peel back the layers of what happened and why you chose the actions you did. Don’t use excuses, blame anyone else, or try to get out of the exercise by simply saying you screwed up. We want to understand why, because it’s how you protect yourself later.
Why did you cheat on your spouse? Were you looking to feel beautiful/masculine?
Why did you steal your co-worker’s idea? Were you trying to appear successful and innovative?
Why did you lie to your parents about something big? Were you trying to preserve their validation of you?
Why do you drink so much? Are you escaping the fact that you don’t feel worth anything?
The above is just a sample. We all have a few. Peel away the layers until you can explain exactly the mechanism you were seeking your validation with. Expect to feel uncomfortable, sad, or even angry. Keep going.
Your weaknesses are your friend.
Many of us put a lot of time and effort into handling weaknesses. We train through them, we dig for them, we do mental work on them. The whole point is to mitigate their damage, or even get rid of them entirely. We are comfortable with them—and that doesn’t mean we’re okay with them being there, it means we are acutely aware of them, what they do, what their results are on our total person, and what needs to be done to handle them.
For others, however, even admitting that a weakness exists is a non-starter, let alone being able to discuss it openly with family or close friends and have a plan for handling it. At best, they may discuss weakness in a vague, general sense; “oh, sure we all have weaknesses, even me.” That phrasing, by the way, should also tell you that the person saying that sees himself as being literally higher on the totem pole and a better human than you, but that’s a whole other article.
If the thought of openly owning a weakness of yours makes you squirm uncomfortably, then this section is for you. I’m not saying you need to take out a billboard on the interstate to announce that you’re scared to be home alone at night, but you do need to be able to admit it to your closest allies, or at least be able to say it out loud to yourself and create a plan to work on mitigation.
You might have chuckled at the idea of being scared at night while home alone. Someone who’s been through a home invasion or assault, however, might not see that as a small thing, and it may wreak havoc on their effectiveness.
We all have been shaped to some extent by our experiences—but we all have a choice. Maybe one of your weaknesses is your temper. Maybe it’s a fondness for alcohol or a consistent habit that until now you never thought was a problem, more like an indulgence that you deserve.
A weakness is any personality facet or habit that takes away from your effectiveness, harms your alliances and/or relationships, or makes you a worse person.
We don’t like that definition, because it means that the great person we like to think we are is suddenly a lot less charming. But it’s critical that we can name our weaknesses, and do one of three things with them:
Mitigate damage
Lessen or eliminate their existence
Flip them and learn to use them as a strength
The third option is a powerful one but not every weakness can be turned into a strength. Anger, for instance, resembles Washington’s description of fire (and government): a fearful servant and a terrible master. It’s your job to do the work and decide if your weakness actually can be used for good—and if you can limit its use to that.
Remember, we are talking about the core drivers of everything we do. If we don’t have the mental fortitude to find and understand the bad and even ugly things about ourselves, we are wide open for being leveraged and steered by someone else who is trained to recognize exactly where your issues are.
Understand your people.
If you’re in a group, then every single person in your group needs to be doing this same mental work. What’s more, you should be able to verbalize these issues to each other and have the open communication necessary to work up mitigation plans. This isn’t a place where pride should be allowed. We all have our stuff, and in order for your group to do its best work, anything that could affect it negatively needs to be out on the table.
If your group is too big to do this, or you feel hinky about entrusting someone in your group with this level of information, then your group is too big and doesn’t have the right people. It’s that simple. Either pare down to a much smaller group or walk away and start over correctly.
Keep in mind that they should be open about their weaknesses too. If they’re not, see the paragraph above. Each person should be able to see exactly what they’re signing up for in terms of personality and weakness in the other members, and decide if it’s something they’re willing to deal with.
Note: The need for this level of work is also dependent upon what kind of group you have and what you’re looking to accomplish. If you’re a bunch of quilters looking to win a national contest, you’re probably fine without this. If you’re a neighborhood preparedness or watch group that has taken on the responsibility of helping your neighbors stay alive and safe during a disaster, then you need to do the work. Same goes for political activism.
Using your knowledge to stay safe
Knowing is half the battle, as the saying goes, and that’s definitely true here. If you’ve done the above work and you understand yourself; if your group is small enough to do the work both collectively and individually, then you’re already far safer than you would be otherwise. Let’s see how it looks in practice.
Someone who is aware that they are a compliment seeker can be on guard for that person who is overly flattering and trying to build rapport.
If you’re aware that you have a temper problem, you can guard against people who goad you into a reaction that can harm your cause and your group’s reputation.
Someone who knows that they ‘need to be needed’ can guard against taking on too much, failing at half of it, and harming the group’s effectiveness.
If you’re aware that a group member has a big mouth because they need to appear like they’re ‘in the know,’ you can make an informed decision about the risk and whether the group is willing to keep taking it.
A guy who’s willing to admit that his own experiences make him want revenge against another group or party can catch himself before dragging others into a poorly-advised action.
Someone who is willing to admit that he wants everyone to know he’s an expert in his area can guard against the person who asks him to do something “only he can do”…that can get him in a lot of trouble.
Wrapping up
The above exercises aren’t fun. They’re not something you want to do with a beer in hand, or after partaking of anything else that can cloud your thinking. They are, however, critical to do. Being able to admit your struggle areas doesn’t make you less of an expert elsewhere, or mean that you’re worthless. It means you are humble and can put the mission above your own pride. Contrary to what many believe, humility is a big deal.
It’s somewhat like the OPSEC process, done on your own mind and habits. If you don’t understand what information is critical, you will not protect it appropriately. The same principle applies here; if you cannot articulate what things about yourself make you vulnerable, then you cannot protect those, mitigate their damage, or even begin to work on eliminating them.
Do the work, and have your group do the same. You’ll be glad you did.
In the next issue, we’ll talk about why less is more when it comes to group size—and why you should get out fast if your leadership is all about growth. Make sure to subscribe!