Dating, Influence Operations, and the Orientation of Attraction

A deviation into an area sure to annoy many people simultaneously

While I can write all day about systems and resistance doctrine, I want to turn attention to another arena where orientation plays out every day, in ways you probably don’t notice as much: dating and relationships. It might sound odd, but this is one of the places where orientation matters more than almost any other, because it has implications for not just your life, but the world around you for generations to come.

So indulge me a bit, and let’s look at how orientation shows up in the world of romantic relationships. You might be surprised to know how much you’re being steered into something (or someone) who is actually bad for you.

There’s a reason why the word “market” is used so often in dating contexts. After all, you’re a product. Dating apps are geared for (and even reward) fast scanning in a world addicted to instant gratification, and the check boxes are arranged in such a way that you are trained to prioritize certain things over others.

Did you really think you were in control of the whole thing?

1. The photos. They’re at the top of the page; after all, if you don’t like the symmetry of their face, or their eyes are the ‘wrong’ color, or whatever else, what’s the point in continuing? That’s message #1: You must immediately be able to lust after them, or you’re not compatible.

2. The location. “X number miles from you.” This is about convenience: How fast could I receive the dopamine hit this person can give me? How much work would I have to put into this to get something out of it? If you’ve bought into message #1, the answer is probably “not much,” depending on the level of lust. Which, by the way, leads into message #2: If they are not readily accessible to you, it’s not worth your time.

3. The description, hobbies, etc. None of this really says who they are, merely what they do, both for work and fun. Certainly, you can deduce a bit of who they are by how they choose to portray themselves, but it’s by no means going to answer the real questions; if anything, it’s a fast sorting mechanism. But this, too, is a message; in fact, it’s message #3: The label has to already match exactly the ingredients you want, or it’s pointless.

We know these messages are untrue. And yet on and on it goes. Few dating apps force you to ask real questions about the things that matter.

1. What kind of suffering have you seen? What did it teach you? Who are you because of it?

2. Has it made you seek out clarity or withdraw in self-protection?

3. What does manhood (or womanhood) mean to you?

4. How do you describe yourself in terms that come from so deep inside you that only you and God ever see them?

5. What things touch your heart? Stimulate your brain? Reach into your soul?

6. How do you define meaning?

7. What are you willing to do in the pursuit of growth?

8. What are you struggling with, and how are you addressing that?

There are a hundred questions like this, but they don’t often get asked on coffee dates, and they certainly don’t get asked on the average dating app. Instead, you’re led on a guided tour through a funnel that trains your brain to set aside what matters and focus on something altogether different and a lot shallower.

This article was born from an afternoon spent thinking about why that is, and what contributes to it. It’s all spaghetti, right? All of these unrelated ideas and fields and concepts that aren’t unrelated at all, but intertwined in ways that lead a critical thinker to some interesting places.

I’ve come up with a few ideas as to why I think orientation absolutely applies to dating, and why, if someone really wants to find a lifelong partner (or truly connect with the partner they have), these ideas matter.

Orientation is Still the System

That phrase is the cornerstone of all resistance vetting, sure; I say it here all the time. But it’s really the system of everything. If you don’t normally read my work, you might be asking what orientation is. In absolute bottom-line terms, orientation is how you see the world. It’s made up of all your experiences, your faith, your knowledge, your culture, your family of origin, everything you have ever seen or thought or wanted or believed in.

Attraction ignites in the body. That part is automatic and even biological. But what you pursue, justify, tolerate, and build around that spark is governed by your orientation.

That worldview serves as a map that you navigate life with. It tells you what’s meaningful, what options are available, what you want, and what you think you need. You make decisions every day based upon it, whether you know it or not. And as you can imagine, if you tend to believe things that aren’t true, that means you have a map that isn’t aligned with reality.

You can be frustrated all you want with how things are, but that doesn’t stop reality from being reality. And the uncomfortable, almost unadmittable reality when it comes to dating is this: Most people want a partner with traits they don’t want to pursue themselves.

Jill wants a lifelong partner who is emotionally mature, deeply self-aware, intellectually curious, spiritually grounded, wildly attractive, endlessly validating, financially independent, and available immediately (and maybe even constantly). Oh, and he needs to be conflict-free because she doesn’t need that kind of negativity.

Except that she’s done little work to become any of those things. She is living paycheck to paycheck, exhibits emotional immaturity, and needs constant external validation because she has no idea who she is. What’s more, she isn’t interested in changing any of that because she’s carefully curated her life for maximum comfort instead of maximum growth.

Jill believes the following story: There is someone out there who will check all her boxes and be the thing she is searching for, and once she finds him, everything will be great.

What do you notice about that sentence? The word thing instead of person. Because at its core, Jill’s partner will be just that: a thing, a vending machine with no need for coins, that provides Jill with what she desires and needs. Jill thinks her presence is the currency.

The problem is, Jill’s map is wrong. The person she seeks doesn’t even exist, and the person who fits all of the healthy parts of her description wouldn’t be attracted to her. In fact, they’d avoid her like the plague. When she gets rejected by Mr. Fits-the-Boxes, she chalks it up to men being men and starts an “influencer” TikTok about how men are trash.

In case you think this is a uniquely female problem, let’s flip it.

Jack likes to scroll through the dating apps, too. He considers himself a pretty nice catch: he’s got a good job, a decent car, and spends a lot of time in the gym. He also hasn’t read any real books in years, preferring his Instagram feed of “male-centric” content about how to get women and “be a leader.” He’s looking for a woman who is beautiful, smart but not TOO smart, who “takes care of herself” by going to the gym, who will look nice in photos and go over well with the family. She should also be willing to have dinner on the table when he gets home, so he isn’t late for his poker night. She should also think his ideas are all amazing, acquiesce to his view of the world, and never really challenge his growth because obviously, he’s already arrived.

Jack’s map is wrong, too, and an emotionally healthy woman would see Jack for the self-absorbed, emotional child that he is.

Certainly, there are a hundred other types out there, but they mostly share the same idea: They want the kind of person that they aren’t willing to be themselves.

And why is that? Why do so many people want partners that act more like validation dispensers than partners? Because they don’t orient to reality, choosing instead their own belief about how life works and what the truth is.

Here’s the thing: There are plenty of women out there for whom strength of character and courage of conviction are far more attractive than a fat bank account and the “right” clothes or job. My husband wears boots and a beat-up work jacket 99% of the time, and he is the hottest male alive to me because he also does what he says he will do. He engages me intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. He reads books and talks about them to me so we can sharpen our ideas. He calls me out and pushes me to grow. He seeks to become the very best internal version of himself. We both do, because it is right to do so.

There is no substitute for that kind of mutual accountability and vulnerability, and there is no joy like the kind found within that environment.

There are men out there like him. Not many, but they are out there. They’re looking for women who will engage them back. Who aren’t constantly looking for what they can get out of the deal. Who dives so much deeper than what the apps offer that the shallow questions become irrelevant.

And some women are looking for men who have that strength of character, who are seeking to grow and evolve and become more. Those who seek the discomfort of growth over the complacency of comfort.

I remember telling my son that if he wanted to “find the right girl,” he needed to make himself someone that the right girl would be attracted to. He seemed to mostly seek out girls who made him feel good about himself. Naturally, it usually ended both quickly and spectacularly. I told him to stop looking for someone and start looking to refine himself.

My advice wasn’t always perfect, but this piece seemed to work out. He married someone who engages him every single day on every level, and I am watching their growth, refinement, and yes, discomfort in real time. It is absolutely a beautiful thing to see. It might sound odd to say aloud that you want your child to be uncomfortable, but I do. I hope he stays uncomfortable for the rest of his life. I hope that he continues to seek the refinement to be found within it, and I hope that he and his wife continue pushing each other to greater things.

None of that would have happened, none of it could have happened, if either of them approached it from the belief that they were already good to go. If they had said even unconsciously, “I am looking for someone to validate what I already believe about myself.”

There’s a saying batted about often, attributed to Marilyn Monroe: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” I have a better idea: How about we seek to crucify that worst part of us every day (and I use that word deliberately)? Why would we roll around in it like a pig in the mud and shrug it off? Just deal with it if you want to be with me.

No. Fix it. The best of you is not a reward for the most long-suffering suitor who puts up with all of the worst parts of you. The best of you should be what you offer every single day.

Next time you feel tempted to whine about how men or women are this or that or how you can’t find “your person,” maybe ask yourself: What exactly do you bring to the table? Do you know the reality you’re in? The reality of who you are? Or are you operating with a false map?